It’s funny how life changes. Three weeks ago, the latest round of sonograms for my wife’s pregnancy revealed that we would be having a baby daughter. That, after hearing my daughters heartbeat for the first time was the two of the most magical things I have experienced, ever. Within the fuss and worry of our first child, I have found a strange serenity, a peace I have never known.
Eight years ago, however, that serenity was the farthest thing from my mind, I was too busy getting stoned off of my ass. I would wake up in the morning and get high, had five minutes free time at work, get stoned, and so on. I smoked so much the euphoria that pot gives you faded into this bland foggy misery. I was trying to obtain peace through chemically lobotomizing myself, and failing, all the while being miserable.
At that point, and my eventual recovery afterwards, fatherhood was absolutely unthinkable. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t able to care for myself, and the thought of fatherhood scared the shit out of me. So what changed? It wasn’t religion. I lost my faith during my recovery, but that is another discussion entirely.
I think that it’s because I no longer feel like a piece of flotsam just floating through life. I now feel I have some control over the direction of my life, and while there will be pain and storms I will weather them. No longer for myself, but now for my wife and daughter.
Eight years ago, however, that serenity was the farthest thing from my mind, I was too busy getting stoned off of my ass. I would wake up in the morning and get high, had five minutes free time at work, get stoned, and so on. I smoked so much the euphoria that pot gives you faded into this bland foggy misery. I was trying to obtain peace through chemically lobotomizing myself, and failing, all the while being miserable.
At that point, and my eventual recovery afterwards, fatherhood was absolutely unthinkable. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t able to care for myself, and the thought of fatherhood scared the shit out of me. So what changed? It wasn’t religion. I lost my faith during my recovery, but that is another discussion entirely.
I think that it’s because I no longer feel like a piece of flotsam just floating through life. I now feel I have some control over the direction of my life, and while there will be pain and storms I will weather them. No longer for myself, but now for my wife and daughter.
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